oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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