she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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