that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
