I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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