Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wish there were birth control emojis
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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