when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
