dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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