Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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