I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
