i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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