last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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