We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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