So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
