For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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