i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
