Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
