Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
