i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
