ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
