just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
