I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
