I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
