I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
