So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
