Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
