Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
