I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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