i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
