The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
We named our party play list daddy issues
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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