her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
