Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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