I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
