We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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