worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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