I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
