Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
