This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
