Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
