Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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