i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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