Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
