Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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