I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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