You're my little dorito
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
