dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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