why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
