I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
