I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
