we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
