Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
